#nihilism cw

[housefinches]

i love bootlegs! i love piracy! i love knockoffs!! capitalism is going to kill everything i might as well have a bit of fun beforehand

[in-sufficientdata]

hot tip for the disabled: no one will take you seriously unless you LARP being (formerly) abled!!

unless you're fat. then you should just die.

[agent4o4]

I wanna fucking kill myself!!

Try to find 1 singular piece of useful information to answer your question and have to sift through a minefield of wildly depressing shit what's the fucking point

Everything is going to be ruined

Life has never been good and it's always going to get worse and worse until we die this is proof the universe is sending a clear message we're not allowed to be happy and we shouldn't keep fighting

I don't Want to keep fighting. it isn't worth it. I'm so

Fucking

Tired

[suturaura]

[thoughtsafterdark]

Changeling

Years ago

When I fell I love with the shake of a head

The sweep of a fringe across honey eyes

With hard edges and cutting comments

With earnestness and sincerity

Trembling, pouting lips

And everything in between

When the thought of going to bed with strangers unnerved me

I was so in love with the unwavering notion of love

I thought there must be something wrong with me

When I was 13 I had a letterbox of loves, real and imagined, made from long sighs and airy thoughts

and I would take them out, carefully, blow off the dust and cobwebs at birthdays and holidays

Dance with ghouls under the green and red and blue Christmas lights

The hazy mouldy smog of the artificial tree made my throat itch, triggered asthma attacks

A 1970s astigmatic capitalist daydream

Our reflections mirrored on baubles in the dark of Christmas Eve

And I lived there between branches

Polypropylene leaves digging into my skin

And I would whisper in their ears

Exchange love notes by the nativity scene

Who needed friends when I had

Tempero parietal epilepsy

And a rich internal life

(Autism diagnosis pending)

Sometimes I think

Whatever happened to her

To that wild, wide eyed, unsettling little changeling

The one who would watch the washing machine for hours

Hypnotised by the universes trapped in soap bubble films

They warp and change divide and split. Mitose. Evolve. Is this what it is to play god. We are closer to him in those years. Half formed clay golems with chubby, pawing fingers, muddy hair and drooling eyes.

If I were to crawl into his lap

Do you think he would hug me close like my father never did

I remember mornings

On the way to school

Stomach in knots

I remember French toast smothered in buttery creaminess. Bottled sunshine. Red berries popping on my tongue. Bursts of blood red flesh against retainers. An autumnal afternoon wrapped in a nauseous morning haze. Palms drenched in sweat.

I remember mud and dirt on knees, under fingernails. The feel of butterfly wing powder on my fingers.  Digging through mud, playing with ants. I used to pluck out their legs one by one, and watch as the others tore it apart.

I remember the hypnotic lick of flames against midnight skies, paper towns and cardboard dollhouse burning to ashes in the wind. I used to imagine the screams.

Don't you think fire is so poetic. Some glitch in the matrix. As alive as a dead thing can be. Heat and light, ionised air, a chain reaction that spreads and jumps from one thing to another? Destroys in its wake. The cancer of the dead world, with its own nefarious self replicating agenda. The 2nd Law of Thermodynamics, heat death made sentient. Saltatory conduction and Conway's game of life (or death)

Do you suppose with enough time it could learn to think? Do you believe if it could it would scream?

She's been locked in her cell for too long. I'm so so tired and the mask is melting.

I used to think I was good at reading people. At empathising. Now I wonder was it just her. Playing with puzzles, matching faces to appropriate responses.

I can feel her waking up, with her wide fae eyes, her long pointed ears. The better to see you with my dear. Better to quirk a head to the side and hear you with my dear. Unhinge her jaw and swallow you whole. Feel my spine crack, bones rearrange, muscles twist. The crunch of food plunging down my throat. My scales contracting around the bolus, accommodating, slithering.

They say hate and love are two sides to the same coin and I am inclined to agree. I thought I knew hate, and then you came. Like a storm that left me desolate and full of rage. I can feel the bitterness and fury sharpening itself in my gut every time I hear your voice. The blade melting, forging. The voice driving me insane. To best you, leave you in the dust. I am so so bone tired.

Sometimes I wonder

If I should love my hourglass body more

There are moments when I envy men

But never as much as now

Nothing drives my dysphoria like

Wanting to gauge out your eyes with my fingers

And fuck your empty eye sockets while you scream

Feel the supraorbital notch against my pelvis

Revel in the wet, garish squelch

I think you've gone braindead but that's alright

That's what my fingers buried in your nape are for

There is blood everywhere, god so much blood.

And here you had us all thinking you couldn't bleed

(Shut up

You all know

If I were a man

Writing about a woman

Pinning her down

Rearranging her insides

You would clap and ooh and ahh

Such a tortured soul, aching for release

Slaps on the back and salutations

"Tell us Stanley! Oh did you know since you were

a fucked up little boy pulling on Pigtails

That your self-indulgent gore pornography would revolutionise the medium of film?")

My momma used to say, clutching at her bloated belly

that she would love any baby

As long as it was happy and healthy

And! As long as it wasn't mentally...deficient. She would laugh then. How could she have a baby like that.

Some say I'm a genius mommy

I was the best in my class

But why do I feel like

I should tell you I'm sorry

I really did try

But mommy I'm so tired

I want to go to sleep

My bones are sick of trying

And the redcaps in the Earth are calling to me

They're so hungry momma

And so am I

I hope you find your real daughter mommy

Hope she has your eyes

I hope you get to love her mommy

Just not the way you loved me

[kabukiaku]

Commission for @anamelessfool of a scene with Nihil and his boys for their upcoming fic!! Thank you so much for commissioning me, I love your writing so much <3!!

bonus terzo sketches just for you. ;)

your headcanon on the infernal eye--OOOh man so GOOD.

[eatingfireflies]

I want to talk about this thing

And I have a proposal:

The name of Dr Ratio's warp event is connected to this and, incidentally, Aventurine

Disclaimer: 1) I'm not normal or rational about Dr Ratio. 2) The conclusion is supported only by the English translation as far as I know. 3) Maybe the conclusion is a bit of a leap but I'm serious about everything else.

Let's go!

The conversation Aventurine and Acheron had towards the end is probably up there with End of Evangelion for me in terms of comforting. There's something comforting about Acheron's Nihility because there's still a drop of colour in there and she thinks it's enough. It's the kind of emptiness that accepts anything and don't we all need a little black hole to chuck all our worries into? 🥲

Before the 'grand finale', Aventurine says that sleep is a rehearsal of death. After his death, Acheron agrees and adds that we sleep in order to prepare for the real thing.

And then Aventurine asks her a question:

And Acheron's answer is: this isn't true and Aventurine knows this himself. We don't get born to die. There's no reason for being born, just like there is no meaning in life.

(There's only chance. In stories, things happen for a reason but life isn't story-shaped.)

So: there is no meaning in life. But the way we live our lives gives meaning to our deaths.

Then she tells him to look at his pocket because his friend has already given him the answer.

And I was like 'Finally !! I've been waiting for this reveal!' because what can be said at this moment that could help Aventurine?

There are 2 phases in his plan:

1) Prove that death is possible in the dreamland. Since all the visitors in Penacony are protected by Harmony, this is pretty hard to do but not impossible. We know other people have done it before. Aventurine uses Acheron the emanator of Nihility to cut through the Harmony protection and finish him off.

And Aventurine wins his wager! But the plan doesn’t end there.

2) Move forward to the Real Penacony somehow and investigate the truth about the Watchmaker. And then figure out how to come back. Which honestly sounds like a tall order, but what else can Aventurine do?

Well, he can stop at phase 1.

Acheron says that the conclusion of phase 1 is a win-win situation for the IPC, which is true. Aventurine's death will give the IPC a reason to investigate Penacony and the Family. We know Jade and the others aren't even allowed to go into the dreamscape, but with the death of the IPC envoy, they'll have the right to make some demands from the Family.

If Aventurine stops here, he still would have won.

We know from his conversation with his future self that he's tired and ready to stop. He wants to come home and be with his family.

Aventurine is pretty much a mess: he's a child blessed by Gaiathra Triclops, which gives him godly luck. This luck has prevented him from dying countless times before (even the times when he was actually fine with it). He wants to die but also he's terrified of... dying?

Truly embodying the 'Why is it so hard to die, so impossible to live?'* vibe.

(*From Tanith Lee's The Secret Books of Paradys 1, if you're interested)

Or maybe more accurately, he's terrified of losing everything just like he did in Sigonia. You can look at it in 2 ways: without Mama Fenge's blessing, Kakavasha would have died with the rest of the Avgin. Or Kakavasha's luck came at the expense of literally everything he holds dear.

With Acheron's help, he has finally achieved the death his own luck has been protecting him from. So why should he move forward?

Well, let's see what Acheron meant when she said Aventurine's friend has the answer.

And I... have no idea.

The underlying message here is easy enough to understand: Acheron has already answered Aventurine's question. He can move forward and keep living because that's what will give his eventual death more meaning. But hearing this from Acheron is a bit of a cold comfort: she accepts everything and also views everything impartially.

Ratio's note is a reminder to Aventurine that someone in the waking world is personally invested in Aventurine's well-being. Not because of what Aventurine can do for the IPC (as a consultant, I assume Ratio gets paid whether Aventurine succeeds or not, but also Aventurine has already succeeded with Phase 1).

And not because Ratio gets anything out of it... well, the Stellaron files maybe? But he already has that. Or whatever it is he went to Penacony for, because the two of them are being cagey about it.

Whatever it is, Ratio has already gotten what he wanted. This note is an extra then, something that he gave Aventurine because he wanted to.

I'll come back to what I think he meant, but I need to talk about the Jp translation (sorry I know I should check the original Cn instead but I don't know Cn at all 😭 it's hard enough for me to catch the nuance in Jp let alone a language I can't parse at all), because the word used is different and this is why I'm unsure.

Post by a Jp user about Ratio's note. I can't post a screencap because there's no more space 🥹 But here's the text:

「処方箋」

夢の中で不可���なのは「死」ぬことではなく、「熟睡」することだ。 生きろ。幸運を祈る。

In this note, Ratio uses 熟睡 (jukusui), which means deep sleep. This is deep uninterrupted sleep, the kind that you wake up from feeling refreshed. Or the kind that you have when you take sleep meds. Or the kind that you have when you're contented with your life and not burdened with ambition or anxieties or curiosity.

I don't know.

We know that it's possible to sleep in the dreamscape because Ratio wakes Aventurine up in the beginning of the quest. At the very least, he seemed to be dreaming so I assume he was asleep? And they seem to be in the dreamscape because there's an origami bird tail behind him... except Dr Blues also appears in reality so maybe we can't rule anything out just yet.

I'm not 100% sure what Ratio means about 熟睡. But what about 'Dormancy'?

This is easier. The disclaimer here is I'm not a big fan of the English translation in general (especially the way Dr Ratio was translated in English) but I'll let myself have this.

Dormancy is (thank you wiki) a period in an organism's life cycle when growth, development, and (in animals) physical activity are temporarily stopped. It's also connected to 'deep sleep'. Hey, we're getting somewhere!

Basically, hibernation. Ratio seems to be confirming what we already know: the dream is falling apart because everything in the universe will succumb to Nihility in the end. Maybe the dream was created to preserve a memory (just like how the IPC was preserving Chadwick's memory in Penacony), but the dream is also starting to crumble.

Maybe this isn't the most comforting thing to tell Aventurine, but it does confirm what he probably already suspected (about the truth behind Penacony) and it also tells him that change is constant. Moving forward means he could potentially get out of a situation he doesn't like.

And he does move forward. He tells his past self that there will come a time in the future when he'll come home to his family, but not now. For now he can keep changing and making his own meaning.

Dr Ratio's warp banner is called Panta rhei. 'Everything flows', which says that things are always in a state of flux (change). For example, you can't step into the same river twice because the water is moving and is constantly getting replaced (thanks again, wiki). This is the same about humans: we are always changing both physically and mentally. We both are and are not (wiki again).

Doesn’t it sound like what he said in his doctor's prescription?

[skele-bunny]

I've escaped containment again

Murder ghoul rainy pretty please? /Silly

By The Water. (CW) Rain/Swiss

CW - Death, Light Gore, Gore in Genitals, Vagina Dentata (Teeth Vagina)

Tags: Murder Ghouls, Sexual Content, Seduction for Death, Mute!Rain, Trans!Rain, Tentacle Dick, Rain has weird anatomy

Characters: Rain, Random Named Sibling of Sin, Swiss

(Divider by @ wrathofrats !)

When you have nothing better to do, the first thing the body tends to do is wander. Sibling Ali wasn't spared from that boredom. Looking down as they kicked a rock along the gravel path leading to the gardens, anger still festered from their previous punishment from earlier. Ignoring a summons led to detention, the sixth time this week for them. Ali's feet led them to their own accord, hands stuffed into their pockets and trying to ease themselves.

The path led three ways once exiting the garden. The graveyard, the forest, or the lake; Ali going to the lake as the kicking of rocks had suddenly become more interesting when water was involved. Leaning down, Ali had begun to skip rocks near the shoreline, no thoughts playing in their mind as they opted for their distraction. About the sixth rock in, Ali's attention had diverted as something on the other side surfaced, but only for a brief moment before dipping down again.

Curiosity had gotten the best of them, slowly walking around. It wasn't uncommon for water ghouls to be found lurking underneath, if anything, it was recommended to leave the moment one was spotted. Advised to never enter alone unless other ghouls or siblings were present as they were listed as silent killers. As Ali finally got to the other dock, that same flashed resurfaced fully to the wood above, a hand combing through dark hair. Ali was breathless as they admired fins down the ghouls back that practically reflected the light into their eyes. Their foot scraped the gravel again, making the ghoul to turn around instantly before covering their unmasked face.

"A-Ah! I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to... Ya know... Walk over to you while you were— Uhm..." Ali trailed off, starting to slowly walk backwards only to stop as the ghoul slowly turned around again.

Hands still covered their face but an eye, full of confusion. This sibling wasn't... Scared? Ali got the question quickly, now rubbing their wrist with nervousness.

"No, I don't mind... If anything, I think it's stupid they make you all be masked twenty-four-seven." They shrugged. "Besides you're swimming so it wouldn't make sense to wear one."

They watched with a soft blush as the ghoul slowly lowered their hands, giving a small smile before turning fully. Their blush had quickly deepened and spread, staring at the ghoul presented before them. Their face was rounded yet still sharp, black and wavy hair reaching their shoulders, white scales littered underneath soft blue eyes that seemed to speak despite their lips never parting. Curious, just as much as Ali was.

The ghoul turned their shoulders, Ali clutching their pants leg tightly as the water ghoul's perked breasts came into view. They had sat in a way to purposely extenuate their chest, tail still in the water that swayed back and forth. Angelic was the only thing Ali could think to describe it.

A tap to the dock got Ali to look, seeing the ghoul patting the spot next to them. An invitation.

Once more, Ali's feet moved on their own accord, slowly taking off their shoes and socks once they got near—sitting on the edge and letting their feet graze the water below. The ghoul purred, smile still soft as they looked over the human with just as much admiration Ali had. They let out a small roll of their tongue, commonly known as a 'trill' Ali had been taught it was called.

"Sorry, I just..." They swallowed hard. "You're really pretty... I'm normally more put-together than this. I've never seen one of you beneath the masks before."

Shoulders bouncing, the ghoul began to silently laugh, and in return their chest bounced which caused Ali's eyes to flicker down before returning back up. The ghoul leaned over some, hand lifting to slowly caress down Ali's face, claw delicate as it tapped at a mole.

With their hand fully cupping Ali's cheek, they held eye contact with shaking breaths. They stared at one another before a gentle pull began, Ali leaning over until their breaths mixed and a gap was closed. Now, Ali knew ghouls were sexual creatures and it was perfectly fine to consummate with them, but it was still their first time even being alone with one. They pulled back, covering their lips and giggling nervously.

Once again there was that smile, Ali hesitantly giving one back before feeling a different type of pull—internal—to lean forwards again but not kiss. Just barely grazing. The ghoul was pressed against their arm, eyes going down to their chest again.

Ali admired what sat next to them, breasts moving in time with breathing, a belly button piercing just before skin turned to scales. There was even a small slit that opened some, a single drop of slick making it's way out and over the ghoul's side. Ali watched as their hand was grabbed and placed delicately on the slit, the ghoul making a rubbing motion before letting go—the sibling still making the motion and looking with awe as the slit opened more and their fingers sank inside.

Their other hand was grabbed and moved to the closest perked breast, groping as if it was second nature. The ghoul leaned into view again and their lips became intertwined, Ali working both their hands in almost a sync with their mouth. They could feel the ghoul's hands touch their waist, body shivering and slick protruding more from their slit.

Was this how water ghouls mated? A slit in their tails? Ali curled their fingers up and watched the ghoul tremble more, hands gripping tighter as their hips twitched upwards.

Tongue pushing in, Ali opened their mouth for the water they still didn't have the name of, feeling them laying down and Ali following—legs going over the ghoul's waist as a hand went down their pants as well. Wet fingers went over equally wet folds, Ali trembling beneath their touch and starting to rock their own hips downwards. The hand on their waist tightening as their tail hit against the water, showing their ever increasing excitement.

Circling Ali's twitching nub, the ghoul let out another trill as their tongue retracted, breathing heavier before lifting their head to kiss again. Ali quickened their fingers in the ghoul's slit, watching and feeling them become more slick and twitch further up. This was serenity and everything Ali could ever think of as the ghoul moved from their mouth to kiss down their neck. For a moment, Ali had wanted to laugh at the advisories.

Wanted to.

As the ghoul got to their jugular and trilled louder as they orgasmed, teeth had sank in immediately, and before Ali could even make a noise their bodies had rolled into the water right next to them. From above, clothes could be seen drifting to the surface along with red liquid staining against soft blue of the water.

It was only two hours since Rain had left out, Swiss waving over the couch as they heard the den door close and wet footsteps follow. The multi hummed, turning from his video game as Rain leaned over the side for a kiss. Instantly, Swiss' eyes contracted to slits, pulling back after a second to whistle.

"Well hello to you, too. Giving poor, little, helpless me some leftovers like a baby bird?" He teased, quickly glancing to pause his game before watching Rain come around the couch to sit on his lap.

His white button up was soaked, showing his chest and even a bruise forming on his stomach. He brought his hands up, "Maybe. Beelzebub knows you can't fish to save your life."

"Ohh, you're so mean to me!" Swiss laughed, leaning forwards for another kiss.

Rain purred, bringing his claws up to gently comb through Swiss' afro, sighing as his mouth went to his neck to lick in his gills. He held Swiss there as his body welcomed the true pleasure rather than the fake he had been giving all day.

"Bet they didn't touch you right, did they baby?" The multi mumbled between his sucks, hands reaching under to grope Rain's ass.

A groan came from the water, letting Swiss pull back so they could sign again—frustration showing.

"Out of all three of them, not one got my clit out. That's how terrible they are."

Swiss flopped the wet ghoul onto the couch, not caring as Mountain would whine at the soaked cushions since Rain hadn't dried off. "My poor princess... Gotta fix that, yeah?"

Rain nodded eagerly, letting Swiss unbutton his shorts and pull down, whistling again and starting to laugh. Besides being commando, Rain's teeth had made itself known while still closed tightly but a finger poked out, making him hum as he touched over the exposed bone. Swiss gently scratched at Rain's taint and watched the teeth slowly open, grabbing the finger out—admiring the pink nail polish he'd recommend to Sunshine later—and putting it in his own mouth. Rain rolled his eyes but face still flushed in embarrassment as he hadn't even noticed the part still inside him.

Once the teeth had completely covered back in, Swiss spread Rain's fold with his thumb, dragging up and rubbing at another tiny hole.

"See," Swiss adjusted the finger in his mouth before biting down to break the bone, talking with his mouth full. "They can't even get your clit out... But I can get our lovely lady out."

As if simply being mentioned was a summon, Rain's tentacle lifted out of the hole, wrapping around Swiss' hand and sucking on his palm. The multi looked up to see Rain's head tilted back, trying to catch his breath as the relief he desperately needed filled had finally started. Swiss stroked his tentacle, leaning down to suck at a nipple poking out from the shirt, feeling Rain's legs go around his hips and pull him close.

Popping up once more before he delved back down, Swiss groaned. "Don't you worry. I've got you, princess. Gonna put em' all to shame for you."

A loud trill came from the couch as Swiss squeezed his hand and closed his teeth around Rain's nipple.

[krscblw]

there's a sting in the way you kiss me

based on adoration by stephen sinding

[in-sufficientdata]

There is absolutely no excuse anymore for you milquetoast liberals to go around being so naive.

Conservatives want to kill trans & queer people, and Black/other people who aren't white. That's what they want and what they've been making this huge push for.

It's never been vague, but now it's no longer in any way deniable.

If you keep acting like this about it and something happens (and as of now, it looks like that's pretty inevitable, too) there *will be* blood on your hands.

I'm not being hyperbolic. I'm being plain.

If there's nothing else I need for you to understand it's that you still have time. Right now, you still have enough time to stand up for what's right.

As far as the rest of it? Well...there's a reason that expression about history repeating itself exists.

[agent4o4]

Haha. Ha ha

Hahaha

I mean it. I'd rather relive the rape than do this any longer

I'd do it all again if it meant i could undo *this shit*

When will it end? We're plummeting so far so fast with no way out

What are we doing this for

[anumori]

True beauty of the world

[mar64ds]

i love undertale/deltarune i'm so happy to be alive to experience these games

[loveatfirstsightbracket]

Why you should vote for each of them below:

One of the most popular music videos shows the backstory of the characters, who are the matriarch and patriarch of the fictional version of the Satanic Church for which Ghost serves as something of a "worship band" - despite apparently being strangers to each other, immediately upon catching each other's eyes, Sister & Nihil are physically drawn to each other and not only become the Main Characters of the dance party they're attending, but shortly thereafter become further entangled in a ritual meant to raise Nihil up to his proper role as the Antichrist-like leader of the Satanic Church that Sister serves as a high-ranking member of. But, of course, don't take my word for it, when you can watch it unfold here!!: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Gr63DiEUxw

-- @imperatorium, on Nihilperator

We all know the tragedy and we all are obsessed with it. So you know why you need to vote for the love story. Why do you need to vote for it as an example for 'love at first sight'? Well, just because of this conversation:

HERMES: You wanna talk to her? ORPHEUS: Yes! HERMES: Go on. Orpheus? ORPHEUS: Yes? HERMES: Don't come on too strong.

ORPHEUS: Come home with me. EURYDICE: Who are you? ORPHEUS: The man who's gonna marry you. I'm Orpheus. EURYDICE: Is he always like this? HERMES: Yes.

And one song later, she's just as smitten <3

-- anon, on Orpheus/Eurydice

[thedeadauthor]

Blood In the Snow | A Short Story

cw: blood, death.

Summary: Have you ever wondered what it feels like to bleed out in the snow? All alone with only your thoughts and the pain to "comfort" you?..

A short story written by The Dead Author

A long breath crawls out from between my lips as I hurdle through the thick cold. Masses upon masses of the freezing white pull on my legs, pushing me five steps back with every two I dare take.

The world has reached temperatures beyond cold, a sensation so petrifying to my skin that I barely react to the piercing trauma anymore. I am numb all over. The occasional blows of wind and ice do nothing but further irritate my burning flesh.

And then there is the pain. Agonizing and tortuous, like the impalement of a thousand blades. The throbbing pain in my abdomen pushes and squeezes my exposed organs in unbelievable ways, so much that I find myself slipping from consciousness every now and then.

It punches and stings, deep in my flesh, and causes me agony beyond a human’s capacity of imagination. With my arms tightly pressed against the hole in my stomach, I try to get the pain under control. But just like the blazing midnight blizzard it reigns over my body in vast and uncontrollable ways.

I do not know what it is that forces me to push forward. An unknown force or a cry deep within my soul. Perhaps there is no solid reason, as men at heart are truly foolish, seeing vibrant colors when the scenery is painted gray and blue.

One leg after the other strides forward, past its limits and further beyond..just away from where I came from.

Cold is the air, have I mentioned that before? It is difficult to tell what is real and what is but a figment of my imagination in these conditions.

The pouring snow threatened to bury him alive in its masses and the seeping pain from his wound did not do him any favors either. All that was certain was his demise.

I am going to die here.

One should be more devastated when faced with certain death, yet I find myself unfazed, as this outcome was all too predictable. The very instant that knife met my flesh, the clock of my last moments started ticking.

Bleeding out in the snow, how romantic, is it not? With no one to save or hear me. No one to relieve me from this misery or give me warmth in these so cold moments.

I chuckle. Not because of the absurdness of the situation or to keep face in front of my demons. I do it because I cannot help myself but find this all so amusing. A fool digs a hole and ends up falling in himself. From the very moment she whispered poison into my ear I should have realized that there was no other ending to this story.

The fool is me and so is the shovel and the hole and the moral of the joke. A rhyme?

My eyes once again attempt to peer into the distance. This time I am met with a more promising view– a horizon that is illuminated by subtle sparks of light. A town perhaps?

When we drove by the forest two days ago, the scenery blended in with the world just perfectly. We moved fast, the speed limit of no interest to us.

Before I knew it we had arrived at the place I mistook for the heavens, a small cabin amidst the forest's depths. To think that I have made it so far in this weakened state, from the bushes to the asphalt, the human spirit was truly astonishing.

The night is so peaceful and quiet, eerie to the ears of the innocent. But I have listened to such silence before, a silence so out of place and weird, it pulls on your sanity. I have long embraced it and if it was not for my death, I would have found myself enjoying it.

My body can no longer hold up in these conditions. Every step taken brings me closer to certain doom and the realisation slowly begins to manifest in my consciousness

I do not want to die, I do not!

My body shivers all over, in desperate hope to accumulate some type of heat– anything! What was previously known to me as a freezing cold has long overstepped those bounds.

Seventeen years of existence and I have nothing to show for. As I look down on my hands all I see is the bleeding red, stains of failure and wrong doings even the snow cannot wash away. The frost bites that are taking on a revolting, black hue.

Will I die a failure? Will I perish as a nobody? Just another body to the world and the last victim of that psychotic woman who I blindly followed here.

I will surely meet her in hell.

Minutes pass by, or perhaps even hours. My consciousness is no more, only a hollow vessel of what once used to be my body. My skin has turned numb and pale, a sickening blue that strikes my heart with fear and concern.

It hurts, it hurts so much.

I have lost the ability to cry, to feel anything, really.

It burns all over my skin in ways that can only be described by the ear piercing screams I find myself generating. my

I don't want to die mom..please…

All of a sudden my limbs stop shaking, despite the snow not subsiding around me.

My mothers gentle fingers brush over my skin as she urges me to lay down with her in the snow. Her touch is warm and kind, comforting in ways only a mother could perform. As I meet her gaze, her face morphs into one with the woman's..but I do not mind. They share the same brown hair and eyes that know me all too well.

It is all the same to me now.

My blood crystallized in the snow, painting the blank canvas red. I have been leaving traces of myself behind all along, the stained snow following me from the thick forest down to the beginning of this small town.

I am in a state of pain that can only mean death. Can I at least be given the privilege of tears?

Alone in an unknown town, eaten by the gluttonous snowfall. My blood continues to stain the white, long after I succumb to the cold.

My body remains there, unmoving, to be found by the people once the sun rises. My mother will cry the tears that were taken from me by the cold and mourn my death for years to come. But the world? It will see me as something they can devour and dream about, a distant fantasy– a wish.

Well, it is all blood in the snow.

[suddenly-carrying-pokemon]

You know something? You might all be right.

Maybe Project Exclusion is horrible and should be stopped. Maybe the Foundation should be too.

Maybe I should just stay miserable and restless, away from my work, forced to think about my insecurities and worries. At least that way I might stop hurting people.

That's the whole problem, isn't it? I don't know this world, you don't know mine. We're all... unknowable. Maybe we're all wrong. Maybe it doesn't matter.

I'm too old for this kind of thinking. But I can't stop. What do I do